Arm Chair Philosophy

Everything I know is being tested right now. I had a birthday back in September, which was on 9/11. I bet you can remember what you were doing on that day and the horrible images burned in your mind of the planes crashing into the World Trade Center. I bet you even have images in your memory of the people who fell from the upper floors to escape burning to death and those who jumped. I hope I never have to be in that position to choose to jump or burn alive from the inability to escape a fire. 

I would jump.

Although, that is not why I am writing today. I am writing because I still believe I have something to say, give, or contribute to the world, although the words needed to write well will not be present, or that is what I think. For that matter, reading the raw material here is like getting in shape. At first, it hurts, the muscles are weak, and the body can't breathe because it is out of shape, but with persistence, the physical body tones up and is in better shape than before had no action been taken.

The worst part of writing what I want to say is fighting the urge to resist putting my sentences into an AI writing app and taking the help and assistance of the knowledge and database of the resources on the internet to help me sound better than I am or to look up synonyms to replace my default vocabulary.

Also, I always compare myself to excellent authors, like C. S. Lewis or my favorite books on my shelf, which I turn to incessantly and habitually to feed my mind and soul. I have books I go to all the time, notes in the margins, dates jotted down to remind me of when I was there and read it last and highlighted sentences and paragraphs that stood out at the time of the reading, often at the first reading of a book. 

However, I still go back to my books, dust off the pages, and inhale deeply from time to time to feed my mind. I reread them to my surprise, catch something I missed the first time, or go back to them purposefully and intentionally to solidify, validate, and reaffirm what I know, believe, or hold as a conviction. 

Do you do that?

So, with this gut feeling in my ribs, I refuse to quit the writing process. Quitting is not the right word, but I stopped writing regularly for a while now; unfortunately, I stopped writing because I needed more confidence. Do I write what others would like to read?

I don't think so. I still need the confidence. Even rereading what I have here appears foolish and immature. 

Quite frankly, some things that I want to write about are that I have been afraid of telling the story in fear of what others would think because it may jeopardize my situation or have a negative professional impact; if I am going to write, am I supposed to censor myself?

That isn't cool. 

How do I describe the way I experience the world in words?

How do you wrestle with that?

I like commentary, and for that matter, reading bible commentaries helps me better understand concepts, ideas, and motifs in the scriptures. With that, I have recently read a commentary on Ephesians and was captured by the words that are now my new blog title. At first, I thought that others would be scorning me for changing the title or restarting the blog; I can hear it now, "Writing again, Brian, wasn't your blog about the Lean Forward life? People perceive me as inconsistent, unstable, or indecisive. That could be true, or life consists of fits and starts, setbacks, and losses. I tell others that I mentor; we are either winning or learning. 

And then again, others would be like, what blog, Lean Forward? What is that?

You're kidding yourself, Brian; no one has read a single verb or adjective you have ever written.

Seriously? I'm kidding myself here.

I have always stayed in the learning phase. 

How can I quit on myself at five decades old, even though the bitterness and coldness of self-doubt encircle me every day of my life? 

If I ask myself this question in ten years, what will the result be? 

Can I be satisfied with never publishing anything or not having a single reader except my wife? 

She will read what I say because she loves me, purely for that reason alone, and sees the good in me when others may view me as an indolent recluse and my dog Winston. 

He loves me, but he can't read. 

We read what E. K. Simpson (1980) describes as how the palate and pabulum of a disciple change after conversion in his Ephesians exposition. The scripture refers to the disciple that has been sealed with the Holy Spirit, and as such, when there is a different spirit about a person (The Holy Bible, New International Version, 1999, Ephesians 1:13), the desires and inclinations of a person change their affections.

As a disciple, I have a distinct taste preference for what I read or like to entertain in my thought life, and my palate has morphed toward food that will nourish me. That's it, and as such, if I now possess an affinity for nourishment that helps me in my spiritual journey, how much more can I avoid writing the same things for others to read that help me? 

I can not quit on myself at this time because my time is short.

What would you do if you were 50 and had similar thoughts?

You don't have to answer that.

Therefore, I am giving you the renamed Leanforward blog. 

Although probably a pipe dream, the new palate and pabulum platform will nourish your soul and mind as much as it helps me, at least therapeutically, to write it down.

Brian

References:

Simpson, E. K. (1980). In Commentary on the Epistle to the Ephesians (Vol. The New International Commentary on the New Testament, p. 35). essay, WM. B. Eerdmans Publishing.

The Holy Bible: New International Version. (1999). Cornerstone Bible Publishers. (original work published 1973).